Life is a bitch...

This happened Tuesday. The woman begging for money at the traffic light was younger than me, prettier than me, and had better hair than me. I thought that was a sign of something. I wasn't sure of what.

That day, I brought home-made buttercream cupcakes to my pot-luck work meeting. Another woman professor brought a box of dunkin donuts. Most people had a donut but passed on my cupcakes. I thought that was a sign of something, and this time I thought that it was a sign of the department where I work not wanting me.

I had to find out if that was the case.

I asked my boss about the timeline and when would I learn about the outcomes of the ongoing search. I applied for a tenure-track position. Her answer was "Well, it depends on many different factors, there are 200 applicants and we have many amazing ones" . The unrelenting optimist that I am said "Well, you know I understand, it is about fit. I decided on an atypical career path as I had a family first and now I am fully joining the work force". She then said, "you don't understand, there are applicants with publications in the journal Science". And then she added: "Have you applied to other places?".
Shit.

(It seems that I inadvertently published this post up to here before I finished it... Oh well.  Sorry if you read it before it was ready...)

In any case, the above "signs" made me realize that I am beginning to gather more evidence of what I call "The World as a Math Equation".  This ongoing hypothesis maintains that there are no miracles, there are no exceptions, this world functions as a math equation where you get exactly what you put in, no more, no less. And sometimes even when you try very hard, it does not matter, because "the equation" was written to produce a negative result anyway...

Allow me to briefly explain. I feel pretty accomplished. Perhaps I won't ever win a Nobel Price, but when I think of where I am, and where I started, I feel pretty good about myself. Now, this long journey has not allowed me to write articles that could be published in Science. And now it seems that I am evaluated based on those parameters. It does not really matter where I started, it matters that others ended further than me. Sucks. So, there are no exceptions,  no lucky strikes, no divine intervention.

Perhaps the anxiety of not knowing if I will have a job next year is getting to me. But at the same time, I know that I am a good worker and that I never lacked a job (or three). I just feel so ready to join the part of my life that which full of intellectual production.... I really like my job, and I could get so much better at it! All I need is some job stability. Thanks.

I am so, so sorry...

First of all, I want to apologize. I want to say I am sorry because every time I attended a wake, every time I saw you at a funeral, every time I learned that you had lost someone you loved, I had no idea of what you were going through. I though I did. I really felt sad about your pain. I did not want to see you loosing hope or joy or simply not being your usual self. I wanted you to feel better. But until now that I have faced a loss myself, I really had no idea. I had no clue.

I did not know that when someone that you love dies a part of your self goes with them. I did not know that it is a wound that doesn't heal. I did not know that all the colors, smells, sounds, tastes and sensations will now be tainted by the loss. People tell you that it will get better, and I am sure it will. It will get better, but things will never be right.

I for once do not trust life anymore. Fear has been instilled in me because there really is no justice, the world is not just. No illusions remain, and miracles do not happen.

So today, I ask you to forgive me, because I was unrealistically cheerful, I was unrealistically hopeful. I thought I had lost a lot in my life, but I never lost so much as I did April 22nd 2011.

Sin Varito

A pain so strong it sucks away the joy in every moment.

A fear so stubborn that renders me motionless.

Anything you love can be yanked away in a second.

I will never see him again. I will never hold him again.

Disbelief attacks every other minute. What happened?

I miss him and he is the only person that I really want to talk to.

Life goes on but is also still.

He was so young, he was so strong, he had given so much and had so much more to give.

I am left with a godless world and here is where I am supposed to raise my children.

"I wished upon a star that he is o.k. Mom"

How can I protect them from pain? I can't.

Sometimes you need someone to take your hand and walk with you for a while, before you find your way again.

When you loose a brother

I never thought about this possibility. Actually, I had not thought about this possibility enough. I was not prepared to loose my brother in the middle of our lives (assuming that this is the middle, which is just that, an assumption).

There are so many things that we take for granted, and I have always tried not to. The "illusion of permanence" is such that we do not think about loss. But we need this illusion to function. I cannot think about the fragility of life every time I am separated from my children. I would be paralyzed. And that is how I feel right now, paralyzed. I should have run to be next to my Mom and siblings, I should have hugged my sister in law and make her feel safe. I should have but I could not. The fear of flying away from my family stopped me. I will try to go though. When and if we have a possibility of closure I would like to be with them. He is my brother, alive or dead.