There are so many things that we take for granted, and I have always tried not to. The "illusion of permanence" is such that we do not think about loss. But we need this illusion to function. I cannot think about the fragility of life every time I am separated from my children. I would be paralyzed. And that is how I feel right now, paralyzed. I should have run to be next to my Mom and siblings, I should have hugged my sister in law and make her feel safe. I should have but I could not. The fear of flying away from my family stopped me. I will try to go though. When and if we have a possibility of closure I would like to be with them. He is my brother, alive or dead.
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Valky - morbidly, I've often wondered whether it is better to lose someone or to be the one who goes - suddenly or in a long process. No answer, but there is more a feeling of being robbed I think, when it happens suddenly. It's hard enough to confront our mortality, but easier to do so if we feel like we get a full life of at least 80 years or so. At least we can prepare for that. But before then . . . We all joke about how old we are and how old we feel, but dying at 36 is too too young.
He should have had more time and you all deserved more time with him. I wish things were different. You know that we are here for you.
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