Life is a bitch...

This happened Tuesday. The woman begging for money at the traffic light was younger than me, prettier than me, and had better hair than me. I thought that was a sign of something. I wasn't sure of what.

That day, I brought home-made buttercream cupcakes to my pot-luck work meeting. Another woman professor brought a box of dunkin donuts. Most people had a donut but passed on my cupcakes. I thought that was a sign of something, and this time I thought that it was a sign of the department where I work not wanting me.

I had to find out if that was the case.

I asked my boss about the timeline and when would I learn about the outcomes of the ongoing search. I applied for a tenure-track position. Her answer was "Well, it depends on many different factors, there are 200 applicants and we have many amazing ones" . The unrelenting optimist that I am said "Well, you know I understand, it is about fit. I decided on an atypical career path as I had a family first and now I am fully joining the work force". She then said, "you don't understand, there are applicants with publications in the journal Science". And then she added: "Have you applied to other places?".
Shit.

(It seems that I inadvertently published this post up to here before I finished it... Oh well.  Sorry if you read it before it was ready...)

In any case, the above "signs" made me realize that I am beginning to gather more evidence of what I call "The World as a Math Equation".  This ongoing hypothesis maintains that there are no miracles, there are no exceptions, this world functions as a math equation where you get exactly what you put in, no more, no less. And sometimes even when you try very hard, it does not matter, because "the equation" was written to produce a negative result anyway...

Allow me to briefly explain. I feel pretty accomplished. Perhaps I won't ever win a Nobel Price, but when I think of where I am, and where I started, I feel pretty good about myself. Now, this long journey has not allowed me to write articles that could be published in Science. And now it seems that I am evaluated based on those parameters. It does not really matter where I started, it matters that others ended further than me. Sucks. So, there are no exceptions,  no lucky strikes, no divine intervention.

Perhaps the anxiety of not knowing if I will have a job next year is getting to me. But at the same time, I know that I am a good worker and that I never lacked a job (or three). I just feel so ready to join the part of my life that which full of intellectual production.... I really like my job, and I could get so much better at it! All I need is some job stability. Thanks.