When you loose a brother

I never thought about this possibility. Actually, I had not thought about this possibility enough. I was not prepared to loose my brother in the middle of our lives (assuming that this is the middle, which is just that, an assumption).

There are so many things that we take for granted, and I have always tried not to. The "illusion of permanence" is such that we do not think about loss. But we need this illusion to function. I cannot think about the fragility of life every time I am separated from my children. I would be paralyzed. And that is how I feel right now, paralyzed. I should have run to be next to my Mom and siblings, I should have hugged my sister in law and make her feel safe. I should have but I could not. The fear of flying away from my family stopped me. I will try to go though. When and if we have a possibility of closure I would like to be with them. He is my brother, alive or dead.