Who was I supposed to be again?

Sorry blog, I have not been around.
Fall is falling on top of me in the form of leaves, years of life, realizations and questions. Who was I supposed to be again? I can't quite remember. All that I do falls in the category of "short". Not quite making the mark, not quite making money, or fame, or altruistic deeds. Just surviving. Just trying to make it on time but finding myself late for things. Late for graduation, late for proving that I am right, or wrong, or an eternal outsider, or just one more. I wish I could write songs, I wish I could write poems. But mostly, I wish I could write and not care. Just like now.
Thanks blog, maybe I will see you again soon.

Springtime! / Here comes the rain again...

The snow melted away, the trees started dropping polen like bombs, the birdies come chirping into our backyard... all is good. It even smells nice again. Time to get rid of the snow jackets. scarves, hats and other props But wait, what is this? my clothes became ugly, oh wait, it is not the clothes, it is me! The winter did not, I repeat, did not melt away the extra meat I carry around. Whhhhhyyyyyyyy?!!! This weekend was freaking cold, I am sure I used up a lot of calories. And I wasn't that hungry, I did not over eat, and I did not look like a badly wrapped sausage during the fall and winter...and I do now... I guess what happened is that I look better with more clothes. No wonder there used to be those ads saying "look better without clothes". They know. They know that about 90% of us (wild guess) look better with clothes. And those that don't are because they devote a lot of time to having a nice looking naked body, or because they are genetically predisposed to look like that. I am neither, however, I do appreciate being in an able body, do not misread me as being ungrateful. My legs carry me places, my arms help me hug, my belly button is a safe place for my children (don't ask!) I am just shocked, not sure why, but I am shocked again at the fact that nothing happens when you do nothing. That there is no magic. I guess for those of us that do not have the benefit airbrusing, reality is just that, reality. I wish I could say "I love the silvery lines of my stretchmarks" that "they are the embodyment of the triumph that motherhood is" but no. I got most of those stretchmarks when I was a teenager.
So, given the amount of "problems" with my body (note that I use problems in a very, very superficial and light manner, in the same fashion as beauty magazines do, not in the poverty and ignorance kind of problems) I am starting to think that wearing burkas might not be such a bad idea after all.

"That Day"

It starts off as a feeling of inadequacy. It feels like the day won't completely go well. I try to scare those thoughts away from my mind. But by the time I send the boys off to school (and they just won't put their shoes on) I loose it. I dive completely into this pool of slimey gooey dark stuff that sticks to me and it is very hard to wash off. All of my thoughts turn negative and there is nothing that I can do well. I should know better, this happens about once a month. This is the one day in which I should just stay in bed, for the my sake and that of everyone around me. But I can't. Life does not give me a break nowadays. Not like those miserable days in my little East Village studio where I could just stay in bed, cry, eat, watch t.v. and repeat as necessary.
So, according to me, my shrink, and my OB, it is my hormones. Would I want to take some happy pills? Hell no. It would be accepting defeat. If I take a pill it means that I am sick. And I am not. As far as I can tell. I am sure those yummy pills will make me feel just like I feel after having a beer: the world is not so bad, and I can be cool. But I need to learn to manage this on my own, I need to regulate my thoughts and moods that one day. The rest of the month I just have the regular cranky and sad episodes that go away somewhat easier. I am trying the natural stuff for a treatment and I just filled up a large thermos with rosemary tea. Now I have to swallow the multivitamin, the chasteberry extract, some calcium and vitamin e. Let's see how fast that works. I forget to plan for this day.

I need a job! But which job needs me?

So funny (not the ha-ha funny) how as it turns out, I am going out in the job market at the same time as everyone else is searching for a job. So, I am sending out resumes, reading job descriptions, thinking that it is about time (given my 37 Springs on Earth) that I find a place where I can grow some serious roots. Now, it is not easy to land a job in Academia on any given year. But this year, for some reason, perhaps the state of the US/World economy, it feels like I am up against the world! My insecurity is probably related to the fact that that I am not finished with my dissertation, which is very, VERY important in order to apply for a teaching position in a nice college/university. But more than that, it seems like it is more and more important to demonstrate your ability to bring money to your academic program, to be an expert in neuropsychology, to have good student evaluations and to have done research in decision making. Not sure why, but those seem to be the most wanted abilities nowadays. Aaaaaah if I only had a job. I mean, I do have a job now, part time. I am learning a lot. I am feeling productive. But come May, that ends... And there is also that family to tend to, and that dissertation to complete...
I always knew that I wanted to stay home to take care of my children. I had the blessing to do that and I see the results in my kids. But I never thought this through completely. I guess it is hard to do, you cannot predict too accurately matters of the heart and what life brings you. I guess in terms of my career I am a late bloomer, and that is the way it had to be in order to accomplish what I had to accomplish... Now, does anybody know of a place where they need a me?

2010 - Expectations

New year, new expectations... I am posting this to officially post something this year. I have been talking to some of you who feel a bit sad if not depressed about the starting of the year. There is mess and lack of clarity, what happened with the brand new year? What happened to the clean 2010 notebook? Where is that new year smell? We do need time markers to organize ourselves, we people like beginnings a lot. However, let's remember that this is an arbitrary day. That the food we ate on Dec. 31st was still in our stomachs on Jan. 1st (at least that happened inside my body). There are things that we bring from the last year that we have not gotten rid off. All I am saying is that let's be kind to ourselves. In Spanish we say "A Dios rogando y con el mazo dando" which loosely translates into "Praying to God and swinging the hammer". Religious connotations aside, it means that we have to still wish for what we want, never lower our expectations, never castrate our dreams. But at the same time, we have to work to achieve what we want, we have to bust our butts. I think we all remember times in our lives when we have felt "boy have I worked hard today". Well, that is the idea, every day we should feel we did our best, we gave our all. All of this, without being unkind to our selves. If we are not nice to our sensitive selves, who will be? Ok, there is a bunch of clichèd truisms for you. I hope I didn't waste your time too much...