"Lose not heart"

Amazing words written by J.D. Salinger, whom I've never read,  and uttered by my brilliant friend Carissa who turns facts into storytelling knitting details into amazing tales that you never want to end.
Salinger wrote those letters to a fan and aspiring writer who had a piece rejected by the New Yorker.
But how can you lose not heart?
How can you simultaneously pour yourself into something and protect yourself from loss and disappointment? How can you at once produce and let go?
For all the complaining that is done about aging, I find it comforting that some things do get better with time. Sometimes, for instance, we don't need to answer questions right away.
Sometimes we can figure out temporary answers, impermanent answers, imperfect answers.  And they will have to do. Because it also becomes clear that the only way is up and ahead. That every setback is only that. Ultimately the cycles move and the tides change, and the only constant thing is permutation. It is wisely said in Spanish "más sabe el diablo por viejo que por diablo", the devil's knowledge comes from age, not from being the devil.
So tomorrow, when the wheels start spinning again, I won't lose heart, or impulse, or hope, or time.

Instructions for moving on

First, pretend that it is not happening to you. At least not the "you-you" the one at the core of your self.  This crisis is at the perimeter of you, not at the core. That is an important thing to remember.

Second, pack your belongings unemotionally. You knew this day would come. The fact that you thought you were leaving to a better place should not change the pleasure of removing yourself from a place where you are not appreciated. This is a good time to remember all of those things that you told your students regarding "depressive realism" and how realistic people tend to get depressed. Don't be realistic now, it is not the right time.
Instead, choose the other explanations that kind people have provided to you: "You will find something", "Something better will come along". Hey, it works in romantic relationships, it should apply to jobs as well. Think of yourself as being "free", happily "unattached" remember how exciting it is to have options. If having options makes you uneasy and lost, then remember it is not the time to be realistic or completely true to your feelings. There will be time for that, you know, in the future.

Third, focus on the things that you can do and actually do them. This is the time to prepare to run that 5K. This is the time to write all of those articles. This is the time to think big thoughts. Cleaning up the house it is definitively going to be possible -or at least not impossible- now. Enjoy again the simple things that made you happy before you started having dreams of being productive, self-sufficient or a professor. Remember the joy of watching t.v. Perhaps spending the summer with your family will be fuel for the fall job search.

Fourth and last. Leave this chapter of your life with your chin up. Utter pejorative adjectives in your head directed to the people that do not appreciate you enough, and leave the premises happily like a cowboy that walks toward the sunset. There are better pastures on the other side. That side that you will create for yourself. You had signed up for evolution long time ago. This is just one more phase of it. A weird one. Like the time when cute tadpoles get legs and look weird because they are not yet frogs.

Start being a frog now.

Time well spent

Every day I spend a considerable amount of time and energy just convincing myself that I am not crap. There, I said it.
This is costing me a whole lot. At 40 one would thing that things like these should have been solved. If not from sheer age and experience perhaps from years in psychotherapy, which I need to restart by the way.
Is it really true that early attachment styles determine the way you interact with people in the future? I will take any excuse available to blame my parents for my present ordeals.
The strategy right now is to "spend time doing productive things" and of course "relax". Unfortunately the last reinvention effort did not work well in terms of bringing a durable job. I wonder if I should do more in the networking area... I have been working in a small hole, interacting with people that are not very connected themselves. I now need to move forward to better and more interesting things.
And perhaps this is where the ultimate problem lies. I need to not be afraid of making mistakes.
When I was little (did I tell you this one already? I think I did) I would sit in front of a white sheet of paper with all of my coloring pencils not knowing "what was the right thing to do". Therefore I did nothing. I have been fighting this for years but perhaps now is the time to go for it. I should just color whatever I think is right and thicken my skin for the consequences.
I will be spending my time doing productive things.

Some inspirational music:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UxxajLWwzqY

Mi hermano más hermano...

Yo nací en octubre, 1972. El nació en abril, 1974. No recuerdo ni un solo día de mi vida en el que Alvarito no estuviera. Digo que es mi hermano "más hermano" porque no tuve chance de cuidarlo. A mis otros hermanitos, ya nacidos cuando yo tenía la madura edad de 4 años, 6 años y 8 años, a ellos, sí los pude cuidar.

Alvarito siempre estuvo ahí, era mi contraparte. Yo la hembra, él el varón. Mientras yo miraba hacia arriba, hacia mi mamá, abuela y bisabuela (un lujo de matriarcado) para ver como era eso de ser mujer, el miraba en muchas direcciónes. Mi padre le enseño a ver a las estrellas, a apreciar la música y a nada más. Mis abuelos ausentes, y mis bisabuelos, muy breves, no le enseñaron mucho. Los tíos eran jovenes y no sabían que podían enseñar...

Mi hermano más hermano por un tiempo estuvo muy solo porque estuvo muy mal acompañado. Por mucho tiempo se rodeo de todos aquellos que por estar en peor condición lo hacían ver bien. Poco a poco aprendió a escoger, puso su atención y si cariño en relaciones que valían la pena. Evidencia se encuentra en la procesión de gente que todavía lo extraña. Su defecto en aquel entonces era que todos le importaban igual de mucho. No tenía una escala de amor. Hasta que nació mi sobrina. Entonces todo se dimensionó. Se dió cuenta de que ya habia encontrado al amor de su vida, y que ahora sus dos mujeres eran lo más importante. Por primera vez estuve completamente orgullosa de mi hermano más hermano. Luego cuando nació mi sobrino, él ya sabía amar con dedicación.

Todavía no sé exactamente lo que es vivir sin él. No he visto la casa vacía de él, la familia vacía de él, la ciudad vacía de él, el país vacío de él... A menudo lo busco y no lo encuentro. Y en eso recuerdo. No está allá. Sólo aquí. En la parte de él que nació y creció en mí. La parte que nunca había echado de menos por ser tan instrínseca a quien soy.

Hoy no lo voy a poder llamar, hoy no le voy a poder cantar. Pero hoy es sólo uno de muchos días. Hoy es sólo una fecha. La vida se cumple diariamente, no solo cada año.

Renovación

Primavera y ganas de ser nuevo -de retoñar al menos-.
Con ganas de ser completamente otra persona que sea también yo.
El deshielo descubre cosas que estaban mejor cubiertas.
Dolores,
excesos,
carencias,
los bordes.
Quisiera tener 20 años menos y saber cantar.
Poder sacudir el miedo una vez más:
Este y todos los abriles la nube de agua de mar nos baña,
dos daña,
nos debilita,
nos marchita,
un poco más.
Pero la mirada sigue fija en el horizonte buscando el lugar de tibio sol.
Primavera, una y otra vez viene como promesa, como reto, como menjurje de lo que quedó y lo que se sueña.
Porque es difícil no soñar cuando hay aroma de flores en el viento.

On loosing hope

It starts little by little.
Not unlike drops of cold water on warm bathwater.
The drops of disbelief-belief start making you cold.
You choose to look at the bigger picture, trying to come up with a better story.
Inevitably there is something missing: That next step envisioned.
One by one fingers loose grip.
You resist to fall. You dread falling. You have fallen before.
Which one is more unsettling?
Thinking that this time you had reason to hope?
Thinking that you should not hope?
You promise once again not to be naive, not to hope.
But you know that you will.
Life tricks you like that.