I am so, so sorry...

First of all, I want to apologize. I want to say I am sorry because every time I attended a wake, every time I saw you at a funeral, every time I learned that you had lost someone you loved, I had no idea of what you were going through. I though I did. I really felt sad about your pain. I did not want to see you loosing hope or joy or simply not being your usual self. I wanted you to feel better. But until now that I have faced a loss myself, I really had no idea. I had no clue.

I did not know that when someone that you love dies a part of your self goes with them. I did not know that it is a wound that doesn't heal. I did not know that all the colors, smells, sounds, tastes and sensations will now be tainted by the loss. People tell you that it will get better, and I am sure it will. It will get better, but things will never be right.

I for once do not trust life anymore. Fear has been instilled in me because there really is no justice, the world is not just. No illusions remain, and miracles do not happen.

So today, I ask you to forgive me, because I was unrealistically cheerful, I was unrealistically hopeful. I thought I had lost a lot in my life, but I never lost so much as I did April 22nd 2011.