I am so, so sorry...

First of all, I want to apologize. I want to say I am sorry because every time I attended a wake, every time I saw you at a funeral, every time I learned that you had lost someone you loved, I had no idea of what you were going through. I though I did. I really felt sad about your pain. I did not want to see you loosing hope or joy or simply not being your usual self. I wanted you to feel better. But until now that I have faced a loss myself, I really had no idea. I had no clue.

I did not know that when someone that you love dies a part of your self goes with them. I did not know that it is a wound that doesn't heal. I did not know that all the colors, smells, sounds, tastes and sensations will now be tainted by the loss. People tell you that it will get better, and I am sure it will. It will get better, but things will never be right.

I for once do not trust life anymore. Fear has been instilled in me because there really is no justice, the world is not just. No illusions remain, and miracles do not happen.

So today, I ask you to forgive me, because I was unrealistically cheerful, I was unrealistically hopeful. I thought I had lost a lot in my life, but I never lost so much as I did April 22nd 2011.

Sin Varito

A pain so strong it sucks away the joy in every moment.

A fear so stubborn that renders me motionless.

Anything you love can be yanked away in a second.

I will never see him again. I will never hold him again.

Disbelief attacks every other minute. What happened?

I miss him and he is the only person that I really want to talk to.

Life goes on but is also still.

He was so young, he was so strong, he had given so much and had so much more to give.

I am left with a godless world and here is where I am supposed to raise my children.

"I wished upon a star that he is o.k. Mom"

How can I protect them from pain? I can't.

Sometimes you need someone to take your hand and walk with you for a while, before you find your way again.

When you loose a brother

I never thought about this possibility. Actually, I had not thought about this possibility enough. I was not prepared to loose my brother in the middle of our lives (assuming that this is the middle, which is just that, an assumption).

There are so many things that we take for granted, and I have always tried not to. The "illusion of permanence" is such that we do not think about loss. But we need this illusion to function. I cannot think about the fragility of life every time I am separated from my children. I would be paralyzed. And that is how I feel right now, paralyzed. I should have run to be next to my Mom and siblings, I should have hugged my sister in law and make her feel safe. I should have but I could not. The fear of flying away from my family stopped me. I will try to go though. When and if we have a possibility of closure I would like to be with them. He is my brother, alive or dead.

Who was I supposed to be again?

Sorry blog, I have not been around.
Fall is falling on top of me in the form of leaves, years of life, realizations and questions. Who was I supposed to be again? I can't quite remember. All that I do falls in the category of "short". Not quite making the mark, not quite making money, or fame, or altruistic deeds. Just surviving. Just trying to make it on time but finding myself late for things. Late for graduation, late for proving that I am right, or wrong, or an eternal outsider, or just one more. I wish I could write songs, I wish I could write poems. But mostly, I wish I could write and not care. Just like now.
Thanks blog, maybe I will see you again soon.

Springtime! / Here comes the rain again...

The snow melted away, the trees started dropping polen like bombs, the birdies come chirping into our backyard... all is good. It even smells nice again. Time to get rid of the snow jackets. scarves, hats and other props But wait, what is this? my clothes became ugly, oh wait, it is not the clothes, it is me! The winter did not, I repeat, did not melt away the extra meat I carry around. Whhhhhyyyyyyyy?!!! This weekend was freaking cold, I am sure I used up a lot of calories. And I wasn't that hungry, I did not over eat, and I did not look like a badly wrapped sausage during the fall and winter...and I do now... I guess what happened is that I look better with more clothes. No wonder there used to be those ads saying "look better without clothes". They know. They know that about 90% of us (wild guess) look better with clothes. And those that don't are because they devote a lot of time to having a nice looking naked body, or because they are genetically predisposed to look like that. I am neither, however, I do appreciate being in an able body, do not misread me as being ungrateful. My legs carry me places, my arms help me hug, my belly button is a safe place for my children (don't ask!) I am just shocked, not sure why, but I am shocked again at the fact that nothing happens when you do nothing. That there is no magic. I guess for those of us that do not have the benefit airbrusing, reality is just that, reality. I wish I could say "I love the silvery lines of my stretchmarks" that "they are the embodyment of the triumph that motherhood is" but no. I got most of those stretchmarks when I was a teenager.
So, given the amount of "problems" with my body (note that I use problems in a very, very superficial and light manner, in the same fashion as beauty magazines do, not in the poverty and ignorance kind of problems) I am starting to think that wearing burkas might not be such a bad idea after all.

"That Day"

It starts off as a feeling of inadequacy. It feels like the day won't completely go well. I try to scare those thoughts away from my mind. But by the time I send the boys off to school (and they just won't put their shoes on) I loose it. I dive completely into this pool of slimey gooey dark stuff that sticks to me and it is very hard to wash off. All of my thoughts turn negative and there is nothing that I can do well. I should know better, this happens about once a month. This is the one day in which I should just stay in bed, for the my sake and that of everyone around me. But I can't. Life does not give me a break nowadays. Not like those miserable days in my little East Village studio where I could just stay in bed, cry, eat, watch t.v. and repeat as necessary.
So, according to me, my shrink, and my OB, it is my hormones. Would I want to take some happy pills? Hell no. It would be accepting defeat. If I take a pill it means that I am sick. And I am not. As far as I can tell. I am sure those yummy pills will make me feel just like I feel after having a beer: the world is not so bad, and I can be cool. But I need to learn to manage this on my own, I need to regulate my thoughts and moods that one day. The rest of the month I just have the regular cranky and sad episodes that go away somewhat easier. I am trying the natural stuff for a treatment and I just filled up a large thermos with rosemary tea. Now I have to swallow the multivitamin, the chasteberry extract, some calcium and vitamin e. Let's see how fast that works. I forget to plan for this day.

I need a job! But which job needs me?

So funny (not the ha-ha funny) how as it turns out, I am going out in the job market at the same time as everyone else is searching for a job. So, I am sending out resumes, reading job descriptions, thinking that it is about time (given my 37 Springs on Earth) that I find a place where I can grow some serious roots. Now, it is not easy to land a job in Academia on any given year. But this year, for some reason, perhaps the state of the US/World economy, it feels like I am up against the world! My insecurity is probably related to the fact that that I am not finished with my dissertation, which is very, VERY important in order to apply for a teaching position in a nice college/university. But more than that, it seems like it is more and more important to demonstrate your ability to bring money to your academic program, to be an expert in neuropsychology, to have good student evaluations and to have done research in decision making. Not sure why, but those seem to be the most wanted abilities nowadays. Aaaaaah if I only had a job. I mean, I do have a job now, part time. I am learning a lot. I am feeling productive. But come May, that ends... And there is also that family to tend to, and that dissertation to complete...
I always knew that I wanted to stay home to take care of my children. I had the blessing to do that and I see the results in my kids. But I never thought this through completely. I guess it is hard to do, you cannot predict too accurately matters of the heart and what life brings you. I guess in terms of my career I am a late bloomer, and that is the way it had to be in order to accomplish what I had to accomplish... Now, does anybody know of a place where they need a me?